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Update to my current situation. I have been living with the fact that my husband had a affair for 6 months, however he continued to tell me he didn't want to be with this person or have sex with her. He did take her to a hotel while drunk and said he just wanted to get away from me and vent to her because she listened to him. He passed out and doesn't remember anything with her, but was very hurt by the fact that he did something wrong he dealt with that later on, however the next day she tells him they slept together. I went and got tested and we have been dealing with the fact that he had sex with her and betrayed me and hurt me. He still doesn't believe it happened but accepted it did because he had no memory of the event just knew that he took her to a hotel so it could have and she stated so. Well fast forward to the other day, I have been asking him to reach out to her only to ask what exactly happened between them. She hasn't answered for a month until Tuesday she decided to call him so I let him answer. He asked her what happened and she told him nothing happened she and him talked they drank and she left him there passed out. He flat out said did we have sex she said no. He didn't want to ask her why she lied we all know she staged it and wanted to be with him hoping he would divorce me. I still have a problem believing her and think she is lying about lying of course now she has no reason in fact she could still keep saying they did. Am I being naive?

He's gaslighting you. He's enlisted her help to do so. He's tired of hearing about it,so he talked her into making that call(isn't it interesting that he's been calling her for a month, and she didn't answer yet suddenly she calls him out of the blue,when the two of you are together??) The call was staged. She hasn't answered, because either he told her not to,because you wanted him to talk to her about that night,or she didn't answer because they have a code set up..like he calls let's it ring twice,hangs up and calls back.

He's been having an affair for awhile. It sounds like it's still happening.

There is zero reason for her to have told him they had sex,if they didn't. He's trying to convince you he took a woman to a hotel to talk, and they got so drunk that he doesn't remember having sex with her. He's full of shit.

Have you talked to him about a polygraph? My guess is that you have,and he knew he was going to be exposed for the liar he is,and he and his girlfriend concocted this little phone call,to gaslight you.

Schedule the polygraph immediately. You are not safe with him.

Also..He's not so hurt by possibly having sex with this woman. He's been enjoying it for awhile.

If she was a one night stand,she wouldn't have agreed to this stupid call. She made that call to protect him,and the affair.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:38 PM, Friday, April 28th]

My WH lied to me for 10 months. He refused, since day one, to take a polygraph. Of course, he kept trickle feeding me truths and would come clean when I found out more. We were both in IC and I pretty much told him that I knew there was more bc he wouldn’t agree to the test so I knew he was still lying. So he supposedly told me everything and agreed to take the test.
You are only allowed like 4-5 questions on the test so we started MC so that he will do a disclosure and a polygraph on that. If I’m still not happy…I’ll get another one done on my own. The disclosure just will tell the basics and I’m a very detailed oriented person. Always has been. MC already said there won’t be details and that I don’t need them. I beg to differ. I don’t want details like…how many fingers did u use? I want details like….u said u only got a bj and hand job from her, but did u TRY to have sex and just couldn’t get it up so u settled for the hand job? That’s the details I want bc trying to have sex is the same as having sex in my book. Just bc u can’t get it up and had to settle doesn’t mean crap. Know what I mean?
And the MC will prob ask me does it matter bc I know he messed with her regardless. But yes….it definitely matters. My WH cheated on me three times with three diff women.
So I’d just tell him u want a polygraph and if he is adamant about not taking it then u have ur answer. And don’t believe "I can’t remember" bc they will sound like a broken record 🙄🙄

I am having so many doubts about all this. It's just a big mess. I agree I'm a detail person also don't like the I cheated so I cheated I wanted to know did you actually have sex with this person. I have seen alot of actions from my husband that makes me believe he is sincere about what he did or didn't do. He realized it's still cheating even if no sex was involved. Honestly he is a alcoholic so he doesn't remember alot of things that I can believe he passes out alot at home and has no idea what he said or did the night before with me. It's sad. I did say we were going to do a polygraph test and he agreed so I'm still working on getting that scheduled soon regardless of her call. I did get alot of information from the poly examiner it's not detailed or feeling originated but it will tell me if he is lying but I can't ask about the sex because he truly won't know the real answer. Unfortunately he relied on her telling him the next day and yes to answer a question I know her she wanted to hurt me enough and wanted him enough she thought he would leave me if it happened. I am and always have been kinda on the fence about the sex knowing him and her she's a young dumb person and is definitely crazy she thought he was her protector and cared alot for him she was willing to threaten me with harassment. Even the other day because she thought every text or email or call was actually me. He did those while I was with him everytime at my asking of him. She did finally call but yes I'm still worried that it's a lie about a lie.

I can't ask about the sex because he truly won't know the real answer.

Ask if he intended to have sex with her that night at the hotel.

He will remember. He does remember. He's lying.

She thought/thinks he's her protector, because he's protecting her.

Ask yourself, why wouldn't he want to ask her why she "lied" and said there was sex that night,if there wasn't? Any person in the entire world would be furious if they were drunk,and told they had sex with someone, only to find out that person lied. Her "lie" has caused you enormous pain, and has severely damaged his marriage. It caused you to have to be tested for stds(was he). There is absolutely zero reason not to want to ask her why she lied..unless he had to beg his girlfriend to go along with this story,and protect him the way he's protected her..and he didn't want to push her too much by faking anger towards here.

So..what is he doing to become a safe partner?

He's not telling the truth. He hasn't blocked her. Two huge issues.

Has he stopped drinking?

I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s so hard putting all the puzzle pieces together when you don’t have the picture.

I understand it is important to know if he had sex or not, but zoom out on the picture, he took another woman to a hotel and got drunk. She told him they had sex. Please believe your gut and don’t fall for the manipulation.

Taking another woman to a hotel and covering it up, IS CHEATING.

she thought every text or email or call was actually me. He did those while I was with him everytime at my asking of him.

No she didn't. She may have said that,but no. She knew it was you telling him to contact her to ask questions, he told her.

Also..how odd he didn't want to ask why she "lied." Yet, was willing to call and text her,several times, because you wanted him to ask her questions about that night..yet when he does finally talk to her,and she claims she lied, he had no questions.

He's a lying liar that lies.

He's not even original. All of this is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

How will a poly help if he was so drunk that he truly doesn't remember?

Does the answer really make a difference to you? What do you need to do to heal if he had sex? What do you need to do if he didn't? (Those are genuine questions. I don't know the answers, but you do.)

IMO, your H's use of alcohol is a much bigger problem than his infidelity. Or ... alcoholism is a type of infidelity, since the alcoholic generally chooses alcohol over partner. Why accept untreated alcohol addiction? Have you considered AlAnon?

How will a poly help if he was so drunk that he truly doesn't remember?

Who said he was so drunk that he can't remember? The man who took another woman to a hotel room to "talk." The polygraph will show if he's lying about being too drunk to remember. Y guess is,he remembers just fine.

You don't need to spend $700 on a poly to find out that he's full of shit.

When people want to vent to a friend, they call them on the phone or meet for coffee.

When they want to fuck, they rent a hotel room.

The reason that their stories now match is because they came to an agreement in advance.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:41 PM, Friday, April 28th]

I have tried to address the alchol issue that is why my marriage to begin with from day one has been rocky. I never knew how much he drank before I moved here to be with him, Than when I did I was already here excuse yes but I mean truly I already loved him. It has gotten better but his better is still a lot to handle and your right drinking is a affair on its own. We still struggle with this it's a huge part of alot of our issues I'm hoping soon it will be better for me. What I can and will truly be able to live with. As far as her and him go and there stories I believe after a few days now she has nothing to gain for saying she made ot up before and now decides to come clean with the truth. She would be better off saying they did have sex still. She still has hate for me and wants him to leave me. He doesn't and I believe want to be with her and feels like he was wrong for getting involved with her in any way in the first place. I sent all those messages to her on his phone but he knew I was doing it. Wrong and crazy I know but I did so many stupid things I wish I could erase myself. Trust me . But thank you for all your opinions and I realize it's hard to understand the whole story or see the actions unless it's right in front of you and most of us are just reading and saying what we think is the story. Regardless even that has helped me to make a decision to let it go and be happy he is truly trying and I need to let him try or mess up than I know what I will do from there.

most of us are just reading and saying what we think is the story.

Not exactly. Many of us have been here for years. We are healed,and we stay to give back, to the community that helped us. We've seen this phone call hundreds of times. It's nothing unique. She does have something to gain..him. She's protecting him. He's probably telling her he's leaving you,he just has to get his ducks lined up first,and he needs her to help get you off his back. We've seen this, over and over.

a decision to let it go and be happy he is truly trying

Please don't rugsweep.

What exactly is he doing to become a safe partner?

I haven't read all the comments, but something that struck me is that no one seems to have called this what it is, a case of sexual assault. I think that if the roles were reversed, and a woman who was blackout drunk had non-comsentual sex, people would be outraged. That is, if his story is true. Call the cops and start asking questions. It might get him to be more forthcoming.

As far as her and him go and there stories I believe after a few days now she has nothing to gain for saying she made ot up before and now decides to come clean with the truth.

She absolutely has something to gain by lying to you. If he asked her to tell you it didn't happen and she instead sticks to what she originally said, she risks upsetting the man that SHE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH.

She absolutely has something to gain by lying to you. If he asked her to tell you it didn't happen and she instead sticks to what she originally said, she risks upsetting the man that SHE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH.

BINGO!

Also, how the heck are you rationalizing his decision to meet up with another woman at a motel in the first place? You're really buying the line that he just wanted to talk?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:47 PM, Monday, May 1st]

Well new update. Everyone was correct and I did want to believe he didn't want to have sex with another woman for my own reasons. Of course I pushed the polygraph text and told him if he was deceitful at all we had no chance at a chance because I have been asking the questions so many times for the truth the end result didn't really matter it happened and I had to find a way to forgive if I want a marriage. But lying is a different story I don't lie even if it hurts the other person I know it's better in the end. So I asked the hard questions again and now he tells me what his intentions were and what he thought he did in the end so now he feels like he didn't cheat so he seems like he doesn't really feel anymore. His actions have changed and I told him trust was so important to me this whole time he let me believe one thing and it not the cheating will be his and our marriage ending. It's been tough to face the fact he let me believe what he wanted so he could not be held accountable 100 percent and had the nerve to say he didn't want to tell me the truth afraid I would leave him. He has so many things to work through I'm afraid I can't be there to help him anymore. I'll keep posted on my healing.

So sorry but this behavior is just straight out of the fictional cheater’s handbook.

His line about not telling you the truth for fear you would leave him - 😡! He made a decision to continue to lie to you to protect his own butt.

He’s just a common ordinary lying cheating coward!

I hope you heal from this and develop a better sense of who your H is. So sorry for you.

Thank you and I hope I can remain strong and what I feel is right is the truth he took that from me. He even made up the fact that she told him they had sex he finally admitted she never told him that at all he just thought it would make him seem like she was the blame and took advantage of him drunk. So much pain with all this new knowledge still so much more to figure out.

Hello, Diva - I want to reiterate what I told you in another thread you started:

Your husband will not be able to begin to be a safe or worthy partner for you if he is addicted to alcohol and he is in active addiction. As addicts, we tend to do anything that makes us feel good if we are not in recovery. This includes affairs. If your husband has an addictive personality, then it is unlikely that he will stop his affair if it feels good to him. Addicts and cheaters are incredibly self-centered. Without help, he is not a safe person to be married to. Right now, it does not sound like he is clear headed or motivated enough to do what is right for you. He will think only about his own needs. Living with an addict in active addiction is the most chaotic and miserable life imaginable. My best advice is for you to separate until he has some sobriety under his belt. Your separation might be the onus he needs to get sober. If it is not, and he continues to drink, then you can move on and live a life free of this kind of abuse.

Please know that you cannot make him stop drinking. He has to do this on his own. That includes finding meetings, getting a sponsor and working the program. Recovery is a lifetime journey. He must engage in the process constantly and for the long term.

The drinking is a major problem. You cannot love your husband or help him out of his addiction. He must do this on his own. It does not help him that you are there, caring for him while he engages in compulsive drinking. Conversely, it only encourages him to continue to drink. In his effed up mind, you are complicit in his addiction because you continue to care for him and stay with him while he is using. He will be unable to assist your healing in any way while he is in active addiction. Addicts are self-centered to the extreme. He cannot see past himself and his wants/needs in order to consider yours.

My husband was addicted to porn, which progressed into an affair. No matter how much I expressed my pain about his compulsive porn use, the minute he was off of the hot seat, he was back to the races. It is who addicts are. Please stop believing what he SAYS. He is a proven liar. You need to watch his actions to see change for the better. He needs sobriety from alcohol - 12-step meetings several times per week, a sponsor and IC with a counselor who understands addiction at the very minimum. If he will not engage in recovery, cut your losses and go forth to a better life.

You received what we call a parking lot confession. They know they will fail the test,so they dump a load of awful truth on you,hoping to avoid the test.

Follow through with the test anyway. You can ask if there have been other affairs. And,if the affair continued after dday.

You already know the affair has,is,continuing. He convinced her to call you and lie for him. She didn't do that because he dumped her on dday. She would have been angry with him,and she would have wanted to hurt you(since you say she hates you). She would have told the truth. Instead,she lied. She lied because they're still having an affair,and for that to continue, you needed to back off,so it was easier on him/them.

He's in cya mode. Cover your ass.

Get the polygraph.